Living in Japan can be kind of embarrassing. I ask if I can pay with a plant (ginkgo) instead of cash (ginkin).
I go on dates and after the 60th minute of Japanese, my stamina runs out and I fear I sound like a 3 year old.
In Japan I wonder if I’m enough, then I find ways to remind myself that I am.
In America I worry if being black makes me undesirable, or if love interests only want me for my curves.
In Japan I worry if I’m only being desired because I’m black, and if the Japanese people I date are capable of seeing my humanity.
But anyone can objectify me anywhere. And respect can be developed beyond borders.
Somehow, in America my insecurities felt more real. In Japan no one really knows the history of who I am or what I fear. I feel my insecurities can pass like gas.
Sometimes I worry that I don't know enough, that I'm incapable of experiencing my 2 years here as deeply as I should, because I choose to minor in Japanese instead of majoring in it.
But I`ve seen how this language barrier can protect me, when the words of instigators fly way over my head.
And though I want the aunties to see me as smart, its ok if through my ignorance they deem me charming
I can understand enough to receive their gifts of chicken and satoimo
And learn about the beaches in their home prefectures